I Can Live With You Hating Me
by jesserzb17
Summary: This is my first one shot ever so read and tell me what you think :I SPENT HOURS WRITING IT! so please please please read and review. even if u didnt like it, feedback. its full of angst, love, and hurt. a lot of pain in it, but a happy ending. ZAMMIE!


**First one shot ever! Please review, it's my first time writing in this kind of third person so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense. I was trying out a new style, but let me know if I should stop writing like this or if I should continue. **

**Also I will be updating head over feet very soon. I'm a third of the way through the chapter, and its already super long. **

Joe Solomon felt every bone in his body ache. It wasn't because the girl he was caring was barely ninety pounds, it was his emotions that were weighing him down.

Just looking at her made him sick to his stomach. Her face was bruised and beaten, and everywhere he looked he saw huge black and blue bruises staining her once snow white skin. On top of that, she used to be one hundred fifteen, and now she was maybe ninety. He could see her rib cage.

It was taking everything he had not to burst into tears. And Joe Solomon never cried, he never felt anything, all of his emotions for the past thirty years had been locked away from the rest of the world. But that all changed when he woke up and discovered the one girl he had swore to protect, the one girl who never seized to amaze him gone. Everything he learned, he knew, what he had built his life on came crumbling down, and for the first time in his life Joe Solomon was vulnerable.

Watching her mother take her in her arms and break down sobbing was heart wrenching. Slowly Rachel Morgan tucked a lock of long tangled golden hair behind her daughter's ear. She still hadn't waken up, it had been five days and counting. She missed seeing those bright blue eyes, and dazzling smile that was so sweet yet mischievous.

The three of them walked in together holding each other's hands promising each other they wouldn't do this alone, and they wouldn't leave her. No matter how hurt or mad at her they would support her because she know they did it for them, was trying to protect them, and as angry as they were at her, they loved her, and knew her heart was in the right place, even if it's not how they wanted her to handle it.

Liz stepped forward first, her petite figure shaking as tears streaked down her face. She grabbed her friend's hand that looked so limp and fragile. Just holding it made Liz feel like it might break. As she stared at her best friend memories of the two of them curled up by the fireplace and studying together for hours in the library or her listening to Liz babble on for hours about stuff only geeks or nerds invaded her mind causing Liz to let out a sob so loud, one that was caused by true pain and agony to break out.

"Please wake up, I need you, God, I need you so much," She whispered, and then Liz stepped back letting the other girls have their turn.

Next Macey stepped forward. Anger for the girl, for the people who did this to her, but most of all herself coursed through her veins. She wanted so bad to kick her butt, to totally destroy and cause her so much more pain than she ever thought possible. Then wrap her arms around her, and promise to never let her go. She would bathe her, dress her, nurse her back to health, do anything just to see her smile or laugh at her.

"I hate you so much, I hate you so much. But most of all I hate how I will never be able to hate you. Don't you dare be selfish and leave us."

As she stepped back, she and Liz walked out of the room leaving Bex alone because both knew that this was something she had to do by herself. Unlike the others she hesitated as she took a step further. She didn't know what to say, what to do, or what to think. In the end, she ended up breaking down sobbing clinging to her best friend. The one she had grown up with, who's but she had kicked, life she had saved, who she owed her life to, her sister at heart.

She never said a word, but instead ended up falling asleep, and was carried away by a green-eyed Blackthorne boy. It was the only time he ever stepped foot in that hospital room, and he told himself that he didn't do it for her; he did it for everyone else.

Two months later she stepped foot inside her school, her home for the first time in over a year. A smile graced over her face as the whole student body embraced her. Never in her life had she felt more loved. However the homecoming was short lived and soon it wore off.

For the first few days her best friends never left her side, and she was okay with that. She missed them so much; while she was gone a huge part of her felt like it had gone missing.

One afternoon when they were walking and laughing through the hallway she saw him for the first time. Her whole face lit up, she had missed him the most whether she would admit it. She didn't know what she was expecting. Maybe a secret smile letting her know her real welcome would come while they were alone, or maybe he would sweep her up in a romantic gesture and kiss her right there in front of everyone.

He did something totally different, he did the unexpected. He walked right pass her, as if she wasn't there. Carrying on without her like he had been for the past months. Every feature in her face changed, and that was the beginning of the end of her homecoming.

Her friend's tugged on her arm telling her he just needed time, and that she should try and talk to him one on one. She forced a smile, and agreed with them, and decided tonight she would talk to him, and explain everything to him. Then he would forgive her and they would pick up where they left out.

Late that night she snuck out of her dorm, and silently traveled down to the east wing and knocked on the only dorm that was occupied. Her hands were sweating, and she was nervous. As soon as the door opened her breath caught.

He didn't slam the door, and she took that as a good sign. For the first time in what felt like forever she truly looked at him. She saw his gorgeous green eyes, and how vacant they looked. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes. She also noticed how he was more built since the last time he saw her, and his hair had a shaggier look to it.

"Zach," She breathed.

As soon as his name escaped her lips he turned around and closed the door. But as soon as he closed it, the face he saw would haunt him for a long time. It was a tortured look of pain and suffering. Still lightly tainted with bruises reminding him of how he wasn't there to protect her and how she went through something.

As soon as the door slammed in her face, she felt her heart break and breathe catch on her throat. He hated her, and she knew deserved it.

That night was the start of a new nightly routine. As soon as she got back to her dorm she started throwing up. Her roommates panicked, and immediately woke up their Headmistress and CoveOps teacher.

Her mother knelt down beside her and held her hair back. With her spare hand she stroked her back. After a few minutes she was able to stop and calm down. Collapsing in her mother's arms she was carried back to bed.

As soon as she fell asleep the monsters that had haunted her for her so long, and everything that she had been through came back to haunt her. She would constantly wake up screaming with tears cascading down her face.

No one could help her, no one knew how. All they knew was that she was so broken that they would only hurt themselves trying to fix her. Whatever she had experienced or been through while she was gone had changed her, had scarred her for life. No one knew what truly happened, she wouldn't talk to anyone, and no one tried to push her. It was like they were ignoring the giant elephant that was in the room.

Her mother tried coaxing it from her when she would lie in her arms like she used to when she was a little child.

Her friends and classmates tried over bonding time, but she never broke. She would always change the subject or say she wasn't ready to talk about that, and everybody respected her wishes.

No one could be mad at her though, because she was trying, she was trying so hard. Her grades were better than ever, she was always there for her friends, talking and acting like a normal spy. She had caught up on all of her spare work, and had even gained back some of the weight she had loss. Physically she was recovering well.

Nobody noticed the smiles she faked or how her eyes lost their sparkle and excitement. Nobody noticed how she was almost afraid to be alone, and would jump at the slightest contact. How all of the sudden making eye contact with people was difficult, and how paranoid she had become. She was clingier then she had ever been, the strong independent girl was gone, and someone new had taken her place. Nobody noticed except for him, he saw it and it tortured him watching her be tormented by memories that haunted her.

He knew how much he had messed up, and he regretted up, but he had no idea how to fix it. His emotions were so strong, were so mixed up that he was overwhelmed. He wanted to protect her, to be her hero, but SHE LEFT HIM. He was so hurt, for months he wouldn't sleep. He was so afraid he would lose her; he assumed the worse wondering if he would ever get to see her secret smile when she teased him, or how she always felt right when he held her.

He didn't know what to do, he loved her. He had never felt these emotions before, and it scared him. He knew he couldn't avoid them though. He had to talk to her, he would talk to her. Today would be the day, as soon as he could get her alone he would.

He watched her disappear from the Grand Hall and go up to her room. He slowly followed that way no one would get suspicious, and she wouldn't notice him right away.

But when he got up to her room the door was already open. Quietly he walked in, but didn't see her. Then he heard a sharp gasp come from the bathroom. Walking over he felt like his world had just ended.

Standing over the sink with a blade to her wrist she made the first cut ever. It was the first one that she had ever inflicted on herself, but she had to. She had to feel the pain; she deserved to feel the pain. As the blood fell to the sink it stained the surface standing out against the cream marble.

She dragged out another cut, this time a little deeper. It felt good in a twisted way. Clearly she wasn't in her right state of mind, but nobody had to know what she was doing. It would be her secret, one of many.

"You shouldn't do that," The rough calloused voice made her jump. She closed her eye, and set the blade down on the counter.

"I don't see how this concerns you," Her voice was cold and unemotional with a slight tremor that would have gone unnoticed to anyone else, anyone but him.

His facial expression matched her tone, both were blank, giving away nothing. Both were heavily guarded trying to protect themselves from each other.

"If it concerns you then it concerns me," He told her standing up straighter facing her full o n now.

She spun around and faced him. Angered flared in her eyes and she wanted so bad to punch him, to cause him some sort of pain. Instead she hurt him worse than any kind of punch could.

"What I do is none of your business. You have no right to say what I do or have any right to know what or why I do something. You chose to walk out of my life, and you got your wish. So you can leave now," Her voice was cold as ice.

She went to walk past him, to escape this conversation and the room. The walls felt like they were closing in on her, and she was already so close to tears. She couldn't deal with him. Not now, not while she was in this state.

As she attempted to walk past him he grabbed her other arm roughly. It was the first contact they had in over a year and it sent goose bumps up her arm, but she did her best to brush it off and ignore the tingly feeling she felt in her stomach.

"If we're talking about walking out of people's lives then let's start at the beginning when you deliberately left everyone who cared about you to try and save the world all by yourself." He snapped at her.

Her temper got the best of her, and for the first time since she left part of the old her was beginning to return; the fighting rebellious part of her.

"I did it for you. You would have suffocated me; I wouldn't have been able to get anything accomplished because you don't let me do things. You treat me like a five year old. I was saving your life because you wouldn't have let me do anything. YOU would have been the one who got killed, where as they wouldn't kill me," She snapped back.

"Oh, of course," He said sarcastically "Stupid me. You weren't being selfish at all; you were just trying to save the world. Well newsflash, you put everyone through a living hell, do you realize what we all went through? What we experienced? No, of course not, because you were too busy off going to god knows where so you could find answers that you may or may not get. You are by far the most selfish and inconsiderate person I have ever met,"

Now they were only inches apart, and it was taking everything she had not to slap him. Both were breathing heavily, and he still had a death grip on her arm. However his group wasn't meant to cause her pain, it was a grasp, afraid that she might leave or vanish if he let go.

"You think I didn't feel the same way, trust me. I wish you guys were there Zach. I could live with you hating me forever, what I couldn't live with is me losing you and never getting you back, and knowing it was because of me," The anger had vanished from her. It was almost like she was admitting defeat. And that's when his façade broke.

He crushed her to him, holding her like it was the last time he ever would. She clutched onto him, holding him like he was her last chance and hope for survival. Sobs took over her body, and he pulled back moving his hands to cup her face.

He looked at her for the first time. The bruises had faded from her skin, and she was in a pair of loose shorts, and a thin tank-top. Her long golden hair was wavy and framed her face. Her eyes looked even bluer because of the tears that were welled up in them, and her left arm had dry blood on it.

He couldn't take it anymore. He crushed his lips to her, needing her touch more than anything else. Her hands automatically entangled in his hair and within seconds he had her pressed up against the wall. She felt his calloused hands against her lower back, and her body erupted in a shiver.

The touch was desperate, and passionate. Neither one of them had never experienced or felt something intense in their life. It was overtaking them and clouding their senses. He slowly pulled away noticing she was running a little low on air. He rested his head against hers and felt her arms pull him up against her.

They were quite a sight with her petite fragile body against his big strong muscular frame. Closer was never close enough. His arms were wrapped around her waist, and all she felt was him. For the first time her mind was cleared. He was the only thing on her mind.

"I love you," The words tumbled out of her mouth without her thinking.

With that he crushed his lips to hers again. But this time it was different. It wasn't rushed, and there was no desperation to it. It was searing, and he was putting everything he had into that kiss.

"Zach," She gasped not being able to say much with him not being able to keep himself off of her.

"Zach, I need to give you something, please," He pulled away and looked down at her hearing the plead in her voice.

He let her go reluctantly so she could walk over to her bed and pull out an envelope that she had hidden behind a picture of her and her father.

"I found this in your mom's office, it was addressed to you. I didn't open it, but I think it's something important, and I wanted to give it to you," Slowly he walked over to her and took the letter from her.

He flipped it over, examining it, and she saw tears well up in his eyes. Her hand reached out to touch his arm, and he glanced up at her.

"I don't want to open it here, I'm going to take it back to my room," He told her.

She just stared at him not being able to read him.

"Do you want to be alone?" She asked him.

"No, you can come," He told her giving her a small smirk to easy the worried look he saw in her eyes.

Both walked in silence to the other side of the school where they would be completely alone. He opened his dorm, holding the door open for her like a perfect gentleman. He walked over to his bed, and flopped down on his back. She sat down next to him, not saying anything, just being there for him.

Slowly he opened the envelope not knowing what to expect.

_Dear Zachary,_

_I don't know when you will get this letter, if you ever will. I'm writing this from the COC cell. I don't know if I'll even make it out alive, but if I do then maybe I'll read it to you instead. If not this is to tell you how even if you are a spy, you can still love, still be human._

_When I held you in my arms for the first time, I saw more than a screaming baby boy, I saw my son. You were so beautiful. The most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Looking at you I finally knew why I was put on this earth, I finally realized my purpose was you. You were the reason I was alive, you are my life._

_I know I've missed so much of your life, it's not easy having your parents be kick-ass spies, but I promise you when we get back you and me will finally get that pistol you want. Then I'll have dad take you shooting, and teach you how to use it just like how his daddy taught him._

_I was thinking, one day a wonderful young girl will capture you heart. Maybe you will be sixteen or maybe you will be twenty seven. Age honestly doesn't matter, I was seventeen when I fell in love with your father, and fifteen years later we are still going strong. Anyways it will be hard to watch my boy love another woman, but if you love her then I will accept it, and will love her to. Make sure you treat her like a princess, let her know how much she loves you, and make sure she does the same for you._

_I miss you so much, and I love you. You are truly an amazing boy, I could never have been more proud of you. If I had a million sons you would still be my favorite. Lucky for me I only have one, one truly amazing son._

_I love you so much,_

_Mom_

The paper in his hands grew blurry and it took everything he had to keep the tears inside. He felt a small hand intertwine with his, and he saw how perfectly their hands fit together. He closed his eyes and let his head rest against the backboard.

He began thinking, but instead of it being about his mother, it was about the girl clutching his hand. He wasn't imagining what could have happened to her, he was imagining their future. Not only was she his world, his life, they could actually have a future together.

"Zach," Her voice whispered. She sounded like an angel to him, his own personal savior. She brushed the hair that had fallen in his eyes. He felt his head lean into her palm, and a wave of exhaustion overtook him.

He scooted back so that he was lying down on the pillow, and pulled her down so she was curled up right next to him. Both were tangled up in each other.

She felt him close his eyes, and rest his head on her shoulder. Soon her eyelids grew heavy, and she too fell asleep.

He was awoken in the night by a screaming and then crying. He was finally experiencing the nightmares that he had overheard her friends talking about.

"Gallagher Girl," he whispered, shaking her shoulders. After three more tries, she finally woke up "Hey, it was just a dream,"

She slowly sat up. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,"

"Don't be," He said as he pulled her back down to him. "Tell me about it." He murmured.

"What?" She stuttered.

"I want to hear about your dream, or whatever it is that's been haunting you the past months,"

"Zach," She sighed turning her body away from him, and closing her eyes.

"Don't turn away from me," His voice was gentle, but firm as he turned her back around so she was facing him. "Tell me, you have to tell someone Gallagher Girl,"

She didn't answer him, instead she flipped over on her back and stared at the ceiling. He was doing it, he was breaking down her walls, and she was fighting him. But that was the problem, she didn't want to fight him anymore, she wanted to give into him. She wanted to have him back. She missed him.

"Trust me Zach, you don't want to know," her voice shook, and she felt the tears start up again.

"You need to tell me," Never before had she heard him sound so serious or been so sincere to her. That's how she knew she was off; he wasn't joking with her, or teasing her. He was being so sweet, normally he wasn't one for holding hands or cuddling, but he had held her all night.

"I did horrible things, unforgiving things," She whispered.

"We all have," He told her, feeling her shake as she started crying.

"This is so different, Zach I killed, I killed so many people, and I hurt, and then there was this huge blast and I killed him Zach, I killed my dad. My mom would hate me, Aunt Abby would hate me, and Joe would hate me." He let the hysterias take over her mind and body, wishing he could make it all go away and that they could be normal.

He finally found out what she had done, what had her so scarred. This was what had been keeping her up at night, giving her nightmares, and causing her to throw up, and cut herself.

He had never seen her like this before. For the two and a half years that he had known her she had always been so strong and she may get upset but she never let anyone else see it, especially not him. But this girl was different, she was falling apart. She had lost herself, and he was going to help remind her who she was no matter what it took.

Taking a deep breath she calmed herself, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders. He sensed her calming down, but didn't say anything. Slowly she began telling him everything she experienced. How she had broken into the base, who she had killed, and how she met this guy a few years older than him, and how he agreed to help her.

They killed him in front of her, and all she could think of is how that would have been him if he was there. And that's what made him hating her so bearable for the past few months. She told him about the torture and how she managed to escape ending up on the side of some road, then blacking out.

He never said a word, he just listened. In all honesty he had no idea what to say. As much as he hated hearing it, he finally understood what she was going through.

He would be scared of the dark and being alone if at random times someone would jump out at you, and grab you doing unspeakable things to you.

And for her dad, she clearly didn't mean to, she didn't know what she was doing or who he was. But he knew that no matter what she would have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life, and she would never forgive herself.

After she finished telling him she was silent for a few minutes. The story that took her hours to tell felt like a minute compared to her silence which felt like an eternity.

"I'm sorry," She whispered "I didn't mean to hurt you, and I didn't mean what I had said earlier. I just couldn't lose you. I didn't trust them, but more importantly I didn't trust myself. I killed my dad, who knows what I could have done to you. I was just trying to protect you."

He looked over at her, falling more in love with her. This is not how he imagined apologizing to her would go, he didn't imagine something so deep, or being so unmanly in his words. And he definitely did not expect her to tell him everything.

He rolled on his side, and just stared at her. She hated it when he stared at her like that, it made her feel uncomfortable and he knew that. A small smirk began to appear on his face, one of the things she missed most even if she would never admit it.

Slowly he let his hand reach out to rest on her stomach, then he moved it so it was going up her side. She glared at him knowing full well that he was teasing her.

"I have to say Gallagher Girl," The cockiness was coming back to him "I honestly wasn't expecting a confession to night, not that I'm complaining or anything. But I have to say; I was right on thinking that you couldn't resist me,"

And the once sweet and sincere mood was gone; leave it to him to ruin it. Part of her was glad though, she needed it to lighten up for things were getting heavy. However she liked his sweetness and how he was acting, almost like he was her boyfriend. Knowing that it wouldn't come back, and he would probably spend the rest of the night teasing her she got up to leave only to be pulled back down once again.

"Aren't you ever going to learn Gallagher Girl?" He asked her staring at her with those green eyes that she loved.

Finally, the teenage hormones got the best of them. Their lips were moving together in perfect sync. Nothing was rushed, they were taking their time, it was slow and peaceful.

His hands slipped under shirt, resting on her hips, and his thumbs were drawing circles on her stomach. Her hands wouldn't stay still; they went from running up and down his shoulders to his biceps, back up to his face. He was on top of her, pressing down a little more, trying to seek the friction that he so desperately needed. After all he was still a teenage boy, and the fact that he didn't have his girl for almost a year was not goode at all.

Slowly he began kissing down her jaw line, to her neck, and shoulder blade. She felt his hands start to move down lower, but she pushed them away. It wasn't because he was going too fast, she was also a teenager and her hormones weren't any different.

She had told him that she loved him, the first time she ever said those words to a guy, the first time she ever felt so strongly about anyone in her life, and he hadn't said it back. It may sound petty to anyone else, but she was hopelessly in love with him, and she couldn't handle him playing with her or not having the feeling been reciprocated.

Sensing her change in mood, he propped up on his elbows to stare at her. She tried to push him off of her, but he wouldn't move.

"Would you stop looking at me like that," She snapped at him. She hadn't met for it to come out like that, but she couldn't help it.

"Nope," He said popping the P "Besides, it's my turn to talk now,"

He didn't know why her mood changed so suddenly, but he had to tell her before the mood was gone, and they had to go back to reality.

"The letter you gave me, from my mom, she wrote it when she was in the COC prison. I don't think I was even one yet. She wasn't always the bad guy. Anyways, she was with the CIA when she was captured. They tried sending in teams to rescue her, but no one could. Her mission was to find the new drug that the COC was trying to develop. It was dangerous, but nobody knew why. Her job was to find it, bring it back, then discovered what they would use it for. Something happened when they had her, I don't know what, nobody knows what happened. But she never came back. Three years later my dad was killed, and someone blew up three of the CIA's bases in other countries. It was her. Somehow she became the new leader of the COC, and since then it has become ten times stronger." He unfolded the letter that he stuffed in his pocket.

"I don't know why, I don't know how, but all I know is she wasn't like that. In this letter she told me she would one day have to except the fact that there would be another girl who would fall madly in love with me. I don't think she was expecting so many to, but she said whoever I chose, whoever I fell in love with she would respect, and also love. That is why she didn't kill you,"

He stared at her when he said that hoping she got the message and understood what he was saying. Her face broke out in a huge smile. There was nothing fake about this one, her arms wrapped around him bringing him down so there was no space between him.

She leaned up and gave him a soft kiss on the lips before he pulled away.

"But you have to do one thing before I forgive you," He told her smirking so she knew he wasn't too serious. "You need to tell your mom and Joe the truth. They deserve to know,"

"I know," She whispered.

"They won't hate you, it's impossible for them to."

"I know," She said again.

And she did. For it was time for her to move on. Moving on didn't mean forgetting, she would never forget. This was a low point for her, she went through hell, and now she was bouncing back. If anything she was stronger then what she was before, she had seen more than anyone else, and was exposed to so much more than what she should have been. But she wasn't complaining or asking why, she was accepting it, and moving on with her life.

One thing was for certain, Cameron Ann Morgan was back.

**To long? To fluffy? Let me know! **


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